Best friend is dating a married man
And he does live in a different city from his ex, which absent some other explanation is a pretty good sign he's keen to move on. I think it's a little worrying that she's so full of butterflies that she's actively avoiding thinking about the possibility, though. But I'm also wondering if she actually meant that even if he is attempting reconciliation with his wife, that she would still want to date him, and that it did not matter to her because she likes him THAT much. I guess I might have focused less on judgment and more on concern for her.
But yeah, this horse doesn't want to drink your water! I might have drawn some kind of boundary though, if her level of need got to be overwhelming, probably temporarily. Maybe I'd have suggested counselling or something.
Food is Medicine
I don't think it's a great situation, but what heyjude said is probably why it's going on. But if you can't take having to hear about that situation, it's probably good if you nope out now. Ach yeah I have seen this happen. The deceit went on for almost a year.
Devastated my friend who is incredibly open-minded and readily accepted his modern explanations of his modern arrangement It's a valid concern. What I would have done: In my experience, I've never found that friends and acquaintances really want relationship advice when they ask for it, they just want validation. I try to listen as best I can and change the topic if I feel unable to refrain from saying something negative. If I feel that someone is making a choice that I find absolutely morally reprehensible generally this has happened to me with respect to other values, not relationship choices, but ymmv I stop hanging out with that person.
I would caution that being separated and actually going through the process of being divorced are two VERY different things. The former is like any other breakup. The latter is, for some, a hellish, emotionally draining process of turning a relationship you thought was over into a financial transaction.
If she's willing to stick around through that, bob's your uncle. But she should be prepared for what she's in for.
(Closed) My best friend is having an affair with a married man
People put off getting divorced for all sorts of reasons that don't involve cheating on their separated spouse. In your shoes, I'd have bought up my concerns once, maybe twice if she absolutely insisted and then dropped the whole thing and let her find out this information about HER relationship as HER relationship evolved.
It's not even clear that these two ever met in real life, which is where most people would feel comfortable divulging personal information to a complete stranger. You seem to have jumped to a conclusion that your friend was helping a married man cheat when you have no idea, so I'm not surprised she got upset. What would I do? Mind my own business. My friend wants to date a married man is actually your former friend is dating a separated man. You're in your late forties, and have been divorced for nearly 20 years.
You've written that you knew you and your ex-friend had different value systems, even before her new relationship came up. When she hounded you for advice, you could've stated your reservations and then requested it not be a topic of conversation as the subject made you uncomfortable. You were right to end the friendship given your discomfort. I'm just confused why you had to drag the process out, and why you're conducting an opinion poll now and favoriting your own contributions, and the one answer that has your stance unequivocally in the right.
It's a big, varied world, and she's an adult making her own decisions. I'm sorry your friendship was a bad fit, and that its dissolution is not bringing you joy, either. Ok so your friend was using you, right?
Why Women Date Married Men - mindbodygreen
By hounding you with her relationship details, she got to relive all the sexy drama bits and bask in your scandalized expression again and again in the guise of asking for advice. And she kind of made you part of this thing, enabling her. You hate her choices and that she kept involving you. You were not able to turn it off.
So you dumped her. That's not a bad choice. Better would be to quietly dial back the friendship, become less available and tell her "nope" every time she starts discussing the guy. But if she was, like, pinning you against the wall to force you to listen, yes, you dump her. What's irrational about it is how you are so invested in proving to her and to us that only your ethical approach is the right one.
You're yelling around in this very ask me and went out pf your way to mark your own answer as "best", despite this question ostensibly being about other people's opinions. I think you need to get away from this need to be the only morally right one, somehow. You can't control others and you will make yourself and others unhappy trying. We separated in January , and have two children. We were co-habiting for four years, and the divorce will go through next year, when we've been living apart for two years. One thing I discovered when entering the world of dating cautiously again was how common this sort of thing seems to be, as it happens.
But anyway, I have been with my girlfriend for one and a half years, and we've been living together for one of those years. We have an amazing relationship, and none of us have any real desire to get married either again, or for the first time , and there's no immediate need or rush to get divorced either. It works for us. And yes, we do and have talked it through, so I'm not just being presumptuous or blinkered. Well, there is a large difference between "being ok with something" and "actively telling others what to do with their lives.
I understand that other people may have a different calculus than I do when they make a choice about dating someone who is separated, and while I don't agree with it, I accept it as their choice. Accepting it as a choice doesn't mean I have to accept the actual action: I respect your choices, even if they are not the choices I would make. In fact, I am bothered by them. I would prefer not to hear about it again or to discuss it with you further. Thanks for respecting that. The reason you are getting pushback about being judgmental here is not because your ideas about marriage are wrong, but because the way you treated your friend -- it sounds like you really wouldn't let this go and like you kept literally passing judgment on her -- was out of line with how most people, at least on Metafilter, approach friendships.
see url Many of us see friends as interesting people we like spending time with, and their choices about the way they handle their lives and their core values are less essential to the friendship. Others of us want our friends to help shape our moral codes, or we see our friends as people who share all our core values.
And that is a completely acceptable way to negotiate a friendship, but it's not as common in our culture, which places high value on autonomy. Were I your friend in this situation, I would be asking myself why my friend was so concerned about the marriage of two total strangers and about honoring the wife in that marriage, which she knows almost nothing about, to the point where she is dissolving her friendship with me.
Why is their well being more important than mine?
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Why do you care more about strangers potentially being hurt than you do about hurting me, right now? Marriage used to mean different things than it means now. Being the "other woman" has also changed, in terms of the blaming and things that can happen around that situation. The laws around divorce, custody and division of assets have also changed over the years.
None of that is necessarily right or wrong although I have my opinions on it, as I'm sure you do! But I just wanted to point out that things sort of have turned upside down, from where they were say, even 50 years ago. So don't feel alienated, try not to indulge the "I don't fit in anymore" reflex.
Just examine your opinions, and how they reflect your perception of marriage and relationships and people's responsibilities and duties and expectations within them.